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If we get in trouble it’s my uncle’s fault because I listened to him.

Having a vagina doesn’t stop me from believing that my balls are bigger than yours.

I’m not short I’m just compact and ridiculously adorable.

You and I are sisters. Always remember that if you fall I will pick you up after I finish laughing.

I am a strong woman because a strong woman raised me.

I’m a little smart ass short and stout. Here is my finger, here is my mouth. When I get all worked up I will shout... Piss me off and I’ll cuss you out!

I don’t usually brag about going to expens places but I just left the gas station

Roses are red Violets are blue I’ve got five fingers And the middle one’s for you

Watch out! I’m having one of those days where I’m holding a stick and everyone looks like a pinata

Skilled workers are hard to find that’s why idiots are promoted to management

Dear life when I said it couldn’t get any worse I didn’t mean that as a challenge

Some people need a shock collar and I need the remote

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension the fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

At my age rolling out of bed in the morning is the easy part getting off the floor is a whole other story

Gotta grab my dumbrella. It’s raining idiots out there.

Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out.

Hold my halo. I am about to do unto others as they have done unto me.

Sometimes I feel old, but then I realize my sister is older.

I will paint a house with a Q-tip before I worry about why you aren’t speaking to me.

1. I’m not clumsy. I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and believe I am winning.

If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me.

To those who watch my life and gossip about it: Don’t give up. Season 2 is coming.

Lord, give me patience, because if you give me strength, I’m gonna need bail money to go with it.

I may be alone & single, but no one is cheating on me.

I’m not clumsy. I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.

At my age, rolling out of bed in the morning is the easy part. Getting off the floor is a whole other story.

Thinking I’m just a spoiled child was your first mistake. I’m a spoiled grandson of a crazy grandma. She’s a bit crazy & scares me sometimes, but she knows more than she says

I get my attitude from my freakin’ awesome grandma. She is a bit crazy & scares me sometimes, but she is a perfect mixture of sweetheart & warrior.

I’m a grouchy chubby woman. If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question.

I was taught to think before I act. So if I smack the stupidity out of you, rest assured I’ve thought about it and I am confident in my decision.

Sometimes the black sheep of the family is the only one who has the balls to tell the truth.

Funny thing about getting older: my eyesight starts getting weaker, but my ability to see through people’s crap gets much better.

Don’t piss off old people. The older we get, the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.

It’s so nice when toxic people stop talking to me. It’s like the trash took itself out.

I didn’t just turn into a grouchy old woman overnight. It took years of people letting me down, pissing me off, and dealing with idiots to get this good at it.

Retirement rules