Quotes Funny (1291 Designs)

You think I'm sarcastic? You should hear what I don't say.

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.

You can just supercalifuckilistic kissmyassadocious.

I'm not always an asshole. Just kidding. Go fuck yourself.

5 things you should know about my smartass daughter:

When you meet me, you think I'm quiet. When you talk to me, you wish I was quiet. When you know me, you get scared when I'm quiet.

I'm the type of girl who will punch you in the face rather than stab you in the back!

Stop asking why I'm crazy. I don't ask why you're so stupid.

I lose track of how many times per day I want to turn and say: You can't seriously be that fucking stupid.

Take me as I am or kiss my ass, eat shit & step in a Lego.

Warning! This girl is protected by the good Lord and a crazy family.

The only thing I love more than being a Mom and Grandma is being a Great Grandma.

15I'm not short. I'm just concentrated awesome.

Rock. Paper. Scissors. Throat punch. I win.

No. You're wrong. So just sit there in your wrongness and be wrong.

I'm not always rude & sarcastic. Sometimes I'm asleep.

If you're happy & you know it, clap your... oh.

Some people just need a pat on the back.

I hate being sexy but I'm a chubby bearded man so I can't help it.

I speak in movie quotes, song lyrics and sarcasm.

I have amazing daughters. I also have a gun, a shovel & an alibi.

I really think it's time to take the warning labels off of everything and let stupidity work itself out of the gene pool.

If you think I'm crazy now, just wait until you piss me off.

I'm not mean. I'm honest. The truth hurts. Here's a Band Aid.

I don't pretend to be something I'm not. I know I'm a bitch and I own that shit.

Blood stains are red. Ultraviolet lights are blue. I watch enough murder shows. They'll never find you.

Someday I’ll be a 90-year-old woman with my same dirty mind and even dirtier mouth. It’s going to be awesome.

You call it OCD. I call it: put the freaking thing back where it belongs.

If we switched back to cursive and stick shift vehicles, we could cripple an entire generation.

We should have a national quiet day where everyone just shuts up for 24 hours.

Yes, my dark little heart skips a happy beat when I see karma catch up to somebody who deserves it.

We might be old, but we had great hair, listened to cool music, and drove the best cars.

The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Some people I know have disappeared.

I hate it when people tell me they don’t like my music taste. I mean?? I don’t like your face, but I was quiet.

When I die, please do not put in my obituary that I was loved by all my family and friends. No, I wasn’t.

I see what the problem is here. I’m talking in English and you’re listening in brainless.